Here's the latest batch, courtesy of the U.S. Postal Service.
Abacus, n. A digital computer.
Arab-Israeli Conflict, the, n. The War of the Noses.
Arcadia, n. A region characterized by simple pleasure and quiet surroundings … located Northeast of Los Angeles, California.
Conspiracy Theory, n. Tales of Hoffman. See also: Cryptocracy.
Corporation, n. A union of capitalists who disapprove of unions of employees.
Cryptocracy, the, n. A figment of the paranoid Christian-fanatic imagination of one Michael A. Hoffman II. Although Hoffman has used the term in Secret Societies and Psychological Warfare and in other writings, he has never presented a detailed, coherent history of "the Cryptocracy." He can't, because it doesn't exist.
Death, n. An essential part of the American Way of Life.
Good vibrations, n. pl. The kind of vibrations you get from a good vibrator.
Gullible, adj. Able to be a gull, such as Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Remember, kiddies, God loves the gullible. You have a much better chance at salvation if you are gullible than if you are skeptical.
Harrison, William Henry, n. The only U.S. President who did no harm (at least, as president).
Hero, n. Any member of the U.S. military, such as the guy who shot and killed his fellow soldiers at Fort Hood.
Kabbalah, n. A possible source of tricky gnosis.
Locke, n. A philosophical fastening device intended to protect the private property of landlords in England and of English invaders (i.e., colonists) in America.
Moral Equivalence, n. The ridiculous idea that the United States is morally equivalent to Abaco, or that Israel is morally equivalent to Tristan da Cunha.
Objectivist, n. One for whom the golden calf is a sacred cow.
Pogrom, n. Vigilantisemitism.
Romany, n. A nation of shoplifters.
State of Nature, n. A myth used to camouflage the nature of the State.
Torture, n. The infliction of pain and terror on a prisoner to make him (or her) confess, or just for the fun of it.
Union of Egoists, the, n. A union with shitty benefits and no bargaining power.
Zionist propaganda, n. Kristol blue-and-white persuasion.
© 2012 L.A. Rollins
He already had a definition for Zionist propaganda (‘Hebrew National Baloney. A commonly used synonym for “Zionist propaganda is “the news.”‘). I remember him discussing that he had both Zionist and Nazi (“Lies that limp as they goosestep; Goebelled information”) propaganda definitions, but the Nazi one didn’t appear in the republished/expanded Lexicon. Torture was defined as “Ways of making people talk, after they’ve stopped screaming”. Objectivist had a long definition. Locke had the first part of that definition, as did gullible. Corporation was simply stolen from Ambrose Bierce. Conspiracy theory had a more credible credulous take on the subject.
The old “corporation” definition (in the original edition of Lucifer’s Lexicon and in the 9BB reprint) wasn’t “stolen”; it was explicitly attributed to Bierce. And this here is a casual open mike scene, where the comic gets to try out new material and work out the kinks in old jokes.