L.A. Rollins is off the grid, but still on his game.
America the Beautiful, n. A land infested by ugly Americans.
Austerity, n. Having to tighten one's belt, perhaps around one's neck prior to hanging oneself.
Cannibal, n. One who eats Bacon, such as Roger Bacon or Francis Bacon. (Incidentally, among revisionist literary historians, Francis Bacon has been a popular candidate for the role of "true author of the plays attributed to William Shakespeare." But take it from me, kiddies—and I am omniscient and infallible—the plays attributed to William Shakespeare were actually written by six chimpanzees who banged on typewriters for a million years.)
Christian Zionist, n. A liar twice over. Christian Zionists lie because they are Christians, and they lie because they are Zionists.
Conservative, n. A class warrior on behalf of the rich who pretends that class warfare is very naughty in order to disarm the non-rich classes.
Fugu, n. A very poisonous fish, which Yahweh the all-knowing creator-god apparently didn't remember when He dictated dietary laws to Moses. For, although the fugu is very poisonous, because it has scales and fins it is completely kosher. So orthodox Jews should feel free to live dangerously and eat fugu.
Knowledge, n. Justified true belief, as distinguished from unjustified true belief or justified untrue belief.
Lunchmeat, n. Meat which, by definition, one eats for lunch and not for any other meal.
Man, n. In traditional Christianity, a piece of excrement created in the image of God, the Supreme Piece of Excrement.
Market, the, n. A mythical creature featured in the folklore of capitalism.
National Security, n. Mumbo-jumbo, abracadabra.
Progress, n. Change for the better, and for the worse.
Prophet, n. One to whom Yahweh says, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Pass it on."
Thought experiment, n. A thought that is not an experiment.
Veterans of Foreign Wars, n. Veterans of imperialist wars.
© 2012 L.A. Rollins
Do you mean he’s without internet access and sent these in the mail? Just the thought of snail-mail makes me shudder.
There should be a Lucifer’s Lexicon twitter-bot that sends out these definitions. Apparently there’s an API module which would make that easy to do in python, but I don’t feel like having a long-running process hanging around for an appropriate amount of time before sending another tweet.
They just show up in my PO Box.
I miss the days when my mailbox would be stuffed with hand-addressed manila. Not that I’d go back.